Shifting the tide
First off, I want to say how appreciative I am of all those who have supported us. After many tears and many hard days, Juliet and I are no longer together. We have been officially divorced as of December 19th, 2019. Some might ask, “Why? Or who is at fault?” My response is, no one is to blame. Some might want to cast blame but that does not solve anything nor does it create an environment of healing.
In the beginning, when we started to date it was both hard and easy for me. When spending lots of time with Juliet it felt unnatural to me in some cases but very connecting in other situations. As a gay man, I knew I was giving up physical intimacy that would come naturally to me and I was ok with that. I knew if we continued dating the future we both desired was to get married. I pressed on because I wanted a family and that is what I was being told was the right thing to do. I wanted that to be true! In fact, in my mind that was the only thing really worth living for. In the months of dating, there were periods that I was struggling and simply summed them up to my anxiety and fear. For example, it took me a few months to kiss Juliet due to this physical discomfort I was experiencing. In the months leading up to our marriage things were very hard and on many levels it felt like I was doing something wrong, but I continued to press forward. During this time I was listening to counsel given from bishops, stake presidents, family, and friends, all telling me that it was normal to feel anxious and fearful; that those feelings were coming from the adversary. The counsel received was to simply keep moving forward and I tried to trust my inspired leaders and family.
Now what I did not expect post marriage was to feel uncomfortable in my own home… You see that anxiety that I had before was slowly building, more and more each day. I wasn’t having success at calming down and recentering. Knowing in the back of my mind that I needed to share some level of physical intimacy started to tear me apart. Kissing was hard. Being close to one another was getting quite intense as well. Being in each other's presence right after a long, potentially emotional day at work was hard. Even when I had a break, I needed multiple days to calm down from the level of anxiety I was experiencing. I was literally drowning. The anxiety caused chest pain that, by the end, felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack. No joke. I had been pleading with God daily, if not hourly, to help me to reduce the anxiety I was suffering. To help me find a path that I could feel comfortable in my relationship with Juliet. To help me understand how to carry this burden of same sex attraction and to want to feel close with a woman. What was I doing wrong? This resulted in several experiences of crying in my car, outside of my home not wanting to go in because I was so exhausted from the pain I was feeling, no fault of Juliet what so ever. This I simply was not prepared for and I had to look into the future and ask, “Is this what I can handle? Is this really what God truly had in store for me?” I had put all I could on the altar to Him! And finally towards the end, I was given an answer. Go and be happy! I received that revelation both in my home and in the temple. I could not believe what I heard, but really for the first time in my life I felt peace in the revelation and a strong connection with God about who I was as a person and how he truly felt about me!
Although this revelation was helpful in a spiritual sense, what did this mean for my life then? I definitely struggled to be single before, and quite suicidal during that process. What were my options? I felt I was out of them! I certainly was not going to live life like I was before. I was tired of the pain and honestly what felt like a lie I had been living. Instead of dealing with the pain of divorce and hardship that I was going to cause, I had it! I had planned to take my life and told my brothers this was my decision. I had been afraid to disappoint my family and my friends and the highly negative reaction I would receive if I lived my life how I felt. I was afraid I would never be able to see my nieces and nephews, let alone my siblings and parents. I couldn’t live life for my family or anyone else for that matter. I had been doing that my entire life as it was! Through the continued conversations with my brothers, one brother in particular mentioned, “You can still have a family. It will look different but it’s still possible.” That thought had not crossed my mind with all the anxiety and social pressure I was up against. I finally had hope restored and that a family was possible. Even though it wouldn’t be exactly the way as I was taught my entire life, it was still an answer that literally saved my life.
So here I am today, fighting to find value in myself and has been the topic of much conversation with my counselor. How I have seen my value and self-worth, for so long, were externalized on how people saw me and what they thought of me. Internally my value was solely based on “righteousness” or what God thought of me, at least what I was led to believe anyways. Even though I was close to the spirit, there were times I did not feel peace and love. In the temple there were things that gave more context to what I was taught but other things that simply felt uncomfortable and a little off. When something didn’t feel right spiritually or I felt pressured to do something that didn’t sit well, no wonder I hated myself so much. I was wrestling with God, and starting to understand what is true for myself, not because some “arm of flesh” told me what was right. I had to learn what brought peace and love in my heart. I was feeling the opposite with what I was raised to believe and told about my gayness. I now feel a real, positive connection with God, that is finally pretty consistent. My value is beginning to increase everyday towards my actual self. I am learning to not be the hero to others but simply a healer and helper. It’s a framework in my mind that is going to take some time to change and it is still hard. I am working on patience towards others as they come to their understanding for themselves, whatever that may be. The same respect and freedom others have given me.
For now, I believe when love is removed and fear is used for obedience, God is not a part of it. I have grown tired of the fear based pressure with the church I was raised in, in order to be righteous or blessings will be revoked. To me it feels wrong and quite controlling. We all can’t and won’t fit the same mold because our experiences and challenges are meant to be different. I try to love. I try to accept when others genuinely love me and take that to heart now. I try to accept the nice words people say towards me. I’m starting to believe it. People do know who I am. This journey isn’t over and hopefully one day I will find the most loving, kind hearted man I could have ever asked for. Marry, raise a family of my own, and have a place where I can feel like I am home. This shift in the tide is complex and different, and there is a lot to learn from it. Everything is continuing to form and the future is unknown, but I finally feel like I have real hope again.There is nothing wrong with me, I am beautiful, wanted, perfect just the way I am.
In the beginning, when we started to date it was both hard and easy for me. When spending lots of time with Juliet it felt unnatural to me in some cases but very connecting in other situations. As a gay man, I knew I was giving up physical intimacy that would come naturally to me and I was ok with that. I knew if we continued dating the future we both desired was to get married. I pressed on because I wanted a family and that is what I was being told was the right thing to do. I wanted that to be true! In fact, in my mind that was the only thing really worth living for. In the months of dating, there were periods that I was struggling and simply summed them up to my anxiety and fear. For example, it took me a few months to kiss Juliet due to this physical discomfort I was experiencing. In the months leading up to our marriage things were very hard and on many levels it felt like I was doing something wrong, but I continued to press forward. During this time I was listening to counsel given from bishops, stake presidents, family, and friends, all telling me that it was normal to feel anxious and fearful; that those feelings were coming from the adversary. The counsel received was to simply keep moving forward and I tried to trust my inspired leaders and family.
Now what I did not expect post marriage was to feel uncomfortable in my own home… You see that anxiety that I had before was slowly building, more and more each day. I wasn’t having success at calming down and recentering. Knowing in the back of my mind that I needed to share some level of physical intimacy started to tear me apart. Kissing was hard. Being close to one another was getting quite intense as well. Being in each other's presence right after a long, potentially emotional day at work was hard. Even when I had a break, I needed multiple days to calm down from the level of anxiety I was experiencing. I was literally drowning. The anxiety caused chest pain that, by the end, felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack. No joke. I had been pleading with God daily, if not hourly, to help me to reduce the anxiety I was suffering. To help me find a path that I could feel comfortable in my relationship with Juliet. To help me understand how to carry this burden of same sex attraction and to want to feel close with a woman. What was I doing wrong? This resulted in several experiences of crying in my car, outside of my home not wanting to go in because I was so exhausted from the pain I was feeling, no fault of Juliet what so ever. This I simply was not prepared for and I had to look into the future and ask, “Is this what I can handle? Is this really what God truly had in store for me?” I had put all I could on the altar to Him! And finally towards the end, I was given an answer. Go and be happy! I received that revelation both in my home and in the temple. I could not believe what I heard, but really for the first time in my life I felt peace in the revelation and a strong connection with God about who I was as a person and how he truly felt about me!
Although this revelation was helpful in a spiritual sense, what did this mean for my life then? I definitely struggled to be single before, and quite suicidal during that process. What were my options? I felt I was out of them! I certainly was not going to live life like I was before. I was tired of the pain and honestly what felt like a lie I had been living. Instead of dealing with the pain of divorce and hardship that I was going to cause, I had it! I had planned to take my life and told my brothers this was my decision. I had been afraid to disappoint my family and my friends and the highly negative reaction I would receive if I lived my life how I felt. I was afraid I would never be able to see my nieces and nephews, let alone my siblings and parents. I couldn’t live life for my family or anyone else for that matter. I had been doing that my entire life as it was! Through the continued conversations with my brothers, one brother in particular mentioned, “You can still have a family. It will look different but it’s still possible.” That thought had not crossed my mind with all the anxiety and social pressure I was up against. I finally had hope restored and that a family was possible. Even though it wouldn’t be exactly the way as I was taught my entire life, it was still an answer that literally saved my life.
So here I am today, fighting to find value in myself and has been the topic of much conversation with my counselor. How I have seen my value and self-worth, for so long, were externalized on how people saw me and what they thought of me. Internally my value was solely based on “righteousness” or what God thought of me, at least what I was led to believe anyways. Even though I was close to the spirit, there were times I did not feel peace and love. In the temple there were things that gave more context to what I was taught but other things that simply felt uncomfortable and a little off. When something didn’t feel right spiritually or I felt pressured to do something that didn’t sit well, no wonder I hated myself so much. I was wrestling with God, and starting to understand what is true for myself, not because some “arm of flesh” told me what was right. I had to learn what brought peace and love in my heart. I was feeling the opposite with what I was raised to believe and told about my gayness. I now feel a real, positive connection with God, that is finally pretty consistent. My value is beginning to increase everyday towards my actual self. I am learning to not be the hero to others but simply a healer and helper. It’s a framework in my mind that is going to take some time to change and it is still hard. I am working on patience towards others as they come to their understanding for themselves, whatever that may be. The same respect and freedom others have given me.
For now, I believe when love is removed and fear is used for obedience, God is not a part of it. I have grown tired of the fear based pressure with the church I was raised in, in order to be righteous or blessings will be revoked. To me it feels wrong and quite controlling. We all can’t and won’t fit the same mold because our experiences and challenges are meant to be different. I try to love. I try to accept when others genuinely love me and take that to heart now. I try to accept the nice words people say towards me. I’m starting to believe it. People do know who I am. This journey isn’t over and hopefully one day I will find the most loving, kind hearted man I could have ever asked for. Marry, raise a family of my own, and have a place where I can feel like I am home. This shift in the tide is complex and different, and there is a lot to learn from it. Everything is continuing to form and the future is unknown, but I finally feel like I have real hope again.There is nothing wrong with me, I am beautiful, wanted, perfect just the way I am.
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