About Q

Hi! My name is Quinn Johnson. I was born and raised in the small town of Kuna, Idaho, at least back then. I was born into a family of faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Just like a majority of members of the Church I was baptized and confirmed a member of the church at eight years old.

From an early age I began to understand that I was different than most kids. Growing up I was a very active, high energy kid, one of the most active in the neighborhood. My siblings often struggled to baby sit me and understand who I was and how to help me. Often times I would wear out one set of friends and then go and play with the next. Everyone was not as high of energy as I was.

Eventually, I would come to realize that others limitations were different than mine. 

I had many close friends in this town. For the most part we all went to the same schools. I struggled in school academically with reading, math, English, history, and science. I had to work so much harder than my friends and peers to get at least a “C” or better in a class. Tests were a struggle because of my anxiety. I also started to see my friends be humiliated in front of teachers and parents because they were different. The same as I. I was not okay with this kind of behavior and was often the one who had to stand up to injustice.

In 8th grade I would start to recognize just how different I was from others. Friends started to talk about sex.  My response to other guys talking about it was not what I expected. I started to explore masturbation. When I was a sophomore in High School I realized that I was sexually attracted to men and started to view pornography, gay pornography. This was a really challenging time and church was too. I would learn that friends and family were being persecuted unfairly by church leadership. Examples of those things that would be classified as unrighteous dominion. I had to stand up for what I knew to be right, even when people I loved and trusted would use words and actions of unbelief and backstabbing. 

By nineteen years old I would discover that I, in fact, was gay. Because of this realization, and associated anxiety, I would not feel worthy or capable of serving a mission for my church and God. This reality was very hard for me. My brothers and friends were all leaving on their missions for two years and I was not. They were my security and foundation in this time of recognizing my attractions. At this time I thought my attractions to men were only sexual. I was having these attractions and felt ashamed of these feelings. I was still struggling with pornography and masturbation. And I was jobless. I didn't like who I was. At my breaking point, I had made plans for my exit from this unfair world and what I believed to be a bad hand. Eventually, my friend, while on his mission, called his dad to see if he had any work for me. Fortunately there was some work for me. My career began and I found a sense of value in myself again. I now had some hope that I could be, at least to some level, a part of society. All the while continuing to hide from my sexuality. 

It would be when I was 22 years old, renting a room in the home of a friend and working as a support engineer, that I would experience suicidal tendencies again because I felt alone in my struggle and not like anyone else. I did not want to marry any women, as I had dated several and all resulted in a breakup due to my struggles with intimacy. I thought kissing a girl was absolutely gross and was not an interest to me. However, because of what I had been taught in church, I just knew that I would have to do it eventually. Somehow, I survived and found hope again. 

A year later, I would feel suicidal again but this time was worse than ever before. I was done. I was done being alone and afraid of what my feelings were. The last thing I wanted to do was be a bad example to my friends and family by entering into a gay relationship. I was at the brink of destruction within myself and allowed myself two choices, either see a counselor for a last chance or death by suicide. I ended up choosing to see a counselor who helped me discover that I should not be ashamed of who I am.  He helped me greatly and continues to help me on my journey in life with these attractions and other life challenges. I came out to my parents, brothers and sisters-in-law, who all responded with love and were supportive of whatever decision I would make in my life. This obviously was very different to what I would think they would have responded with. My life continued and things would get better very slowly. 

When I was 24, I would ask this girl in my singles ward on a date. I would date to have fun but felt like no girl would want to marry me or be with a gay man. Going on dates was the best I could do. This wonderful woman, within 2 weeks of spending time together, would know my deepest heartaches and secrets. She would continue to love me regardless of these things and would care for me; something I did not think was ever possible. I couldn't believe it. About that time, I would also be told by the spirit that I was supposed to marry her. Again, something I did not think was possible in my life but I was super excited that this would have the potential to happen. We began to date seriously, but I still struggled with physical intimacy.  It would take me roughly 3 months for our first kiss. It was very hard. I would have moments where I would enjoy that part of our relationship but it was something that I found uncomfortable and rarely something that was enjoyable. We would date for roughly 6 months and talk about marriage, thinking this was going somewhere. Eventually, we had a hard time compromising our differences and would break up. The stress was off from getting married and I felt good for a few months. 

Around the time of my 25th birthday thoughts of suicide returned and I struggled to feel any joy in my life. I finally understood that my feelings towards men were not just physical, but included all levels of intimacy. I was hoping that if I quit lusting after men, from the pornography, that these feelings would go away. I felt of no value and was angry I had these attractions, it was unfair. To add to the struggle, feelings for her would return as well as some hope. By late November 2018, I had torment in my soul and was on the edge of a major decision. I wanted to do what was going to make me the most happy. The decision was to either date her resulting probably in marriage, something I found terrifying, or enter a same sex relationship and follow my sexual attractions and leave behind my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, which was also terrifying. I was so sick to my stomach and could eat hardly anything for the next few days. Suicide again was upon me strong, as I felt stuck in a corner with two hard decisions and potentially disappointing my family. I was afraid that if I pursued this relationship with her I would fail later in life causing significant hurt and pain to both her and our associated families. Ultimately, the last thing that I really wanted to do was cause more hurt to others than the hurt I was already experiencing. Suicide was going to be the last hurt I would ever do. No more pain and not abandoning a testimony for something I felt was wrong at the time. I would choose to move forward with dating her with a goal of marriage. We were engaged the last week of March 2019 under the stars, which she loved, and would be married in the Meridian Temple, August 2019. My attractions towards men still continue, especially as things within our marriage become more real. They are strong and I have lots of doubt about my future.

Church is still challenging as I hear of leaders continuing to hurt my family and others around me. Things are said or actions are taken where I feel I am being minimized. This causes feelings of anger towards God of why does pain and hurt continue inside of His church? Why do disciples of Christ have so much hatred towards one's feelings or decisions when we are asked to not judge? I still struggle with my own identity and what the future holds but I know one thing, and that is suicide can no longer be an option because of the love and support of my family and friends. I have to have faith and hope that my future will be bright and that I will find that happiness and joy that I seek. I know that I can call upon my Savior any time that I need to feel or know that I am loved and that I have value regardless of the decisions or choices that I make in my life.